


girl you can't just dance forever

by IsleofSolitude



Category: Cassandra Palmer Series - Karen Chance
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsleofSolitude/pseuds/IsleofSolitude
Summary: Set immediately after Ride the Storm. Cassie attempts to settle things with the men in her life.





	1. you'll regret it all

_Her hands are in her pockets_   
_And she's scared to look_   
_The picture's frozen_   
_And she's closed the book_

* * *

 

My burrito was depressed.

I realize that’s a rather weird to think, but then again my life is rather weird. My name is Cassie Palmer, and in just the last few days I’ve introduced my father and mother to each other, developed a dislike towards any cherry clothing, become a one-woman zombie movie, made some deals with some demons, become a motivational speaker, been sold into the sex slavery trade, and hung out with Merlin...both of them.

And yet, the most distressing thing to me right now that was my burrito was definitely depressed. I poked the sodden lettuce, unsurprised when my finger caused a canyon, causing the burrito to not just be depressed, but to be shocked about it as well.

I heard the knock on the door, but considering who I figured it might be, I definitely decided my sad companion needed my attention more. There was a second knock, then the door to my room opened and one more reminder of my weird life slipped in.

John Pritkin, who was probably the craziest person ever, which was good, because he was also the person who probably kept me alive the most. He was also one of the first people who had inspired a new trend of “not letting go” in my usual “everyone leaves so don’t get attached” philosophy.

Despite how much...closer we had gotten lately, he just leaned against the door for a moment while I studiously contemplated my burrito. I could only imagine what he saw: a skinny, unkept blonde dressed in clothes that had definitely seen better days, staring morosely at a burrito who definitely had never seen a good day, while sitting on the bed in a blackened room, the only light coming from the window with no shades. I heard a sigh and then footsteps coming towards me.

“Cassie?” He took the food out of my hands, hesitating to see if I would fight him. I didn’t, so he sit it gingerly on the bed beside me and then crouched to see my face. I averted my eyes, choosing to instead stare at the carpet beneath his boots instead. It was very blue. Or was the proper term turquoise?

A finger came to my chin and gently tilted my head up until I was looking into Pritkin’s green eyes, something that I usually liked but really didn’t want to do. I looked at his chin instead. He let out a huff. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what to do.” I hated how weak I sounded. If there was something I had learned in the months since I’ve become Pythia, chief clairvoyant and authorize time traveler, it was that I was strong, and somehow I was doing better than anyone expected, least of all myself. And yet…

Pritkin moved in closer, and I reached up to trace his cheeks, letting my hands slide down to his shoulders. “What’s wrong?” He repeated, hands tracing my sides and hips.

“I messed up, and you’re going to have to pay for it.” I clenched my fingers in his shirt, afraid beyond reason he was going to finally wise up and run away, and irrationally happy when he instead just shifted closed, knees against the bed and body between my legs. Somehow, this crazy, caffeine craving warmage had decided I was someone he wasn’t ever giving up on.

The feeling was mutual.

So I told him what was wrong.

Other than his hands tightening, he didn’t react at all. I was mildly impressed.

“So...as I said, I don’t know what to do.”

He snorted. “Nothing. You are under no obligation to attempt that.”

“But, Pritkin! If I don’t, he’s gonna ruin everything you tried to keep private!” I felt more than saw his shoulders shrug, and clenched tighter. “I know you never wanted anyone to find out!”

“I’m lucky I managed to hide it as long as I did.” He sounded calm, but I couldn’t believe he wasn’t freaking out.

“But you like your privacy! Your life would be ruin. It’s too high a cost to be with m--” And I shut up, but by the way his head shot up, he knew how I was going to finish that sentence. His hands clenched, but he pressed his lips firmly to my forehead.

“No price is worth giving you up.” His voice was quiet, but I felt myself blinking back tears anyways. I let my head fall onto his shoulders, and his hands moved to hold me.

I don’t know how long we sat like that, but it was long enough that I felt guilty about the possibility of his legs numbing. I pulled away just enough to indicate he should sit beside me. He did, but only after putting the burrito out of its misery in the nearest trashcan.

“Are you sure?” I asked him quietly.

He picked up my hand and traced it, letting the shivers slide down my spine. “Do what you need to do, Cassie. I’m here either way.”

I kissed him then and stood up. “You better be.” I walked to the door.

I had someone to talk to.


	2. (broken hearts and torn up letters)

_ Jealousy has only got one friend _

_ And Joey's heart was never meant to mend _

_ Walking faster now she holds him close _

_ The timing matters just to take the dose _

* * *

 

I suppose in hindsight I should have timed it better.

I had meant to shift to Mircea’s estate, yes, but I had not planned to shift in the middle of the room being occupied by several vampires.

Especially not when a war was going on.

In the moment it took for me to breathe and see my mistake, no less than three vamps were jumping for me, even as I screamed and ducked.

“Stand down!” And somehow they did, one clawed hand mere hair’s breath from my neck, another grazing my shoulder.

“Dulceata, how kind of you drop in.” I closed my eyes. Just days ago, that voice held warmth and love, a million different shades of affection lacing his words. Now, it was cultured and rich and utterly cultivated.

I opened my eyes as the vampires backed away, looking at the form of my current host: Mircea Basarab, a member of the North American Vampire Senate, the current general of the Vampire army, and a proud family man. And, oh yeah, the latest in a line of people that I was in a “it’s complicated” relationship with. 

We had met when I was a kid, and then later when I was an adult, a series of increasingly complicated and often convoluted series of circumstance had made our fragile trust and connection deepened until we had the supernatural equivalent of a Vegas drunken elopement, complete with the awkward “Let’s see how this works” relationship attempts.

It had been going so well, until I fell in love with my bodyguard and trainer and secretly spent most of my time trying to get him back and Mircea’s own secrets had come to light.

He was dressed impeccably like usual, in a tailored suit that oozed charm and power. I wondered briefly if he was coming or going to an event, and then decided it didn’t matter. “Can we talk alone?”

Mircea didn’t move, but the vampires filtered out of the room. His eyes assessed me, no less beautiful than I remembered, but much cooler than I had ever seen them, and somehow that was enough for me to want to take a step back before I remembered myself. 

I took a breath, and decided to break the silence. “So Rian gave me something interesting today.” 

“Did she now?” I had thought I was calm, but his voice, curious and amused, brought back the cold fury and tangled emotions from when I first realized what was happening, before I had calmed down and vowed to try to reason with him.

“Yes. A book with a particularly elegant note.” I waited to see what he would say, but he just raised an eyebrow, and that was all it took. “You’re BLACKMAILING ME!? Really, Mircea? Really?”

He let out a breathe, lifting the glass to his lips. “I’m not blackmailing you.” He sipped. “...Yet.” I felt my heart clench. “I’m merely opening negotiations.”

My jaw worked, but all I could say was “What?” 

“How is the mage, anyways? I imagine his soul needed quite a rest after that experience.” His lips stayed in that perfectly amused, neutral shape but even I could hear the sneer, the snarl of his lip that wanted to eek out.

I narrowed my eyes. “He’s doing good. Shall I tell him you wish him a speedy recovery?”

“Tell him whatever you’d like. I do wonder, though, what secrets you keep from him.”

“You are not one to talk about secrets, Mircea!” I was furious, all thoughts of calm and reconciliation flying from my head in the face of his arrogance. “I am NOT the only one who kept secrets! It wasn’t my secret to tell you!”

“No?” His voice was calm, but I knew his signs by now. The crinkle in his eye, the overly perfect tilt of his head...he was furious too. “I asked you directly who he was, where you have been, and you did not tell me, you avoided me rather than tell me the truth!”

“Truth is so weird coming from you, a professional liar!” I don’t remember marching towards him, but I had. “ Oh Cassie family is the most important thing, this is my evil brother, this is my good brother, these are my chosen children, THIS IS MY HALF HUMAN ACTUAL DAUGHTER. Daughter, here is the Pythia and someone I care about, please don’t  ATTACK HER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWD.” 

He slammed the glass down, somehow restraining himself from breaking it. “That is different. Dorina is a complicated subj--” 

“Oh, so it’s complicated when it comes to your secrets but mine are just simple right. Poor, stupid, gullible Cassie, who you use to make the Vampires look better in the eyes of the world, but can’t even tell her about a daughter or that you gambled on her to make damn sure you got what you wanted?”

He glared at me, finally angry enough that his emotions were as on display as mine were. “And I suppose you think that you’re so communicative? Disappearing for days at a time, abandoning your office and your court--”

“--ABANDONING???”

“--Making reckless decisions and ignoring the very war your mother started just to save some mage that tried to killed you more than once!”

“His name is PRITKIN. And I haven’t abandoned anything, I needed him back to help with the war!” He snorted and turned away. “And I haven’t ignored the war, I’ve fought it--even when you’ve been here, plotting ways to negotiate with me instead of helping me!”

He scowled and turned back to me, taking one slow step forward. “I haven’t helped you?”

“Not without something to gain” I declared angrily, and he actually flinched back, before a darkness came over his eyes, the look of someone struggling to conceal his emotions. 

“I may be pragmatic, Cassandra, but I assure you, my loyalty to you has cost me more than I have proven to gain. I have risked my life and my position for you more than once.”

“Our whole relationship has been nothing more than you doing what you think is best without consulting me, and then when I happen to do the same thing, you withdraw and threaten those I lo--care about!” I had almost slipped, that was not good.

His eyes went hard and if I thought he was restrained before, it was nothing to the tension in his body now. “My message to you could hardly be considered a threat.” His voice was clipped and colder than I’d ever heard. 

We were so close, I could see all the different hues of his eyes, the curves of his lashes, and every inch of his perfect lips. Once, I had felt nothing but safety and excitement standing this close to him, but now as tears gathered in my eyes I couldn’t feel anything but the last burst of anger that preceded a total numbness.

“You absolute jerk.” I whispered. “You ruined absolutely everything.”

For the first time he let his lip snarl with disgust--or maybe it was impatience. I wasn’t about to give him the benefit of the doubt this time. “I assure you, I’m not the one who made a mess of things dulceata.”

I couldn’t stop the tears then. The last happy childhood memories, the last illusions of a happily ever after with him, my first love, all of our in between moments of laughter and connection and peace gone because each and every moment was now suspect to his ambition. 

“YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!” I screamed, relishing the look of pure shock on his face as I shifted away.


	3. Living behind your wall

_ And there's no destiny when everyone's your enemy _

_ Take your jealous heart and cast it into stone _

_ You'll regret it all _

_ Living behind your wall _

_ And you'll never fall in love _

_ If you don't fall in love _

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, I had to face the facts: the bubble bath, scented candles, and cheesy, overloaded pizza slices weren’t doing a damn thing to take the edge off my emotions.

And at that fact, I almost wanted to shift back to Mircea just scream at him some more for ruining yet something else that I held close to my heart, but instead I just began the process of draining the tub and drying off. The weariness hit me somewhere between blowing out the last candle and turning to the mirror. 

I didn’t even try to tame my hair, just patted it dry and let it fall where it would. I would probably regret it in the morning, but that’s a natural part of having your heart broken.

Because it was, I realized, slipping into what I counted as pajamas, a pair of gym shorts that hadn’t seen use since the only person who made me exercise had literally gone to hell, and a T-shirt that never seen a good day in its life but was a dollar in the thrift store and therefore a perfect wardrobe addition to a girl on the run.

Running my fingers distractedly through my hair, I walked into my room, and stared at the empty bed, at the signs of my life interrupted. Slowly, I walked to the messy bed, the array of pillows covering the untucked blanket, the random shoe poking out from underneath. Trailing my hands across it, I sighed. I wanted to just lay down, to maybe have an ugly cry and get that feeling of catharsis, but I just couldn’t. My brain decided now that I’ve had a bath and food, it was time to process.

Thinking about things was not something I had much experience with. In the past I never had the luxury. But lately, even with an enemy list taller than I was and a to-do list that probably would never be completely checked off, I had been unable to avoid my problems like in the past, and instead had needed to slow down and think.

But not here.

 

I shifted to another bedroom, because I didn’t think I could handle seeing one more vampire tonight. Perhaps I should actually think about randomly popping into existence in a space occupied by a demon hunter war mage, but this warmage knew I had a habit of zero boundaries when it came to his room, and I don’t know if he stopped warding the place or just adjusted the wards to me, but I haven’t been blown up yet so hey.

Plus, as Pritkin proved time and time again, he had never and would never hurt me. 

The only light in the room was from the barely patched up stained glass window, casting multicolored patterns throughout. Said mage was laying on his bed, blanket draped over his torso. I stepped towards him, and his eyes popped open blurrily, lifting himself to awareness in an instant. “...Cassie?”

“It’s just me.” I hesitated for a moment. “Did I wake you?” 

His eyes were already closing again but he shifted over in the bed to make room for me. I couldn’t help a small smile as I crossed the distance and sat down, propping my back against the wall and lifting my legs onto the bed. Pritkin wrapped one hand around my knee and nuzzled his face into my hip, and his breathing evened out into sleep again.

I couldn’t help it, I could feel a stupid smile breaking onto my face. Who would have thought that Mr. I’ll-Fight-Everyone-Anytime-Even-When-Dying would be a snuggler? But then again, they had said the curse would take more time to recover from, and that he would be easily fatigued and still in need of rest. And Sir I’m-Fine-It’s-Just-A-Flesh-Wound-That-Should-Have-Killed-Me had been busy today, checking in with Caleb and Jonas, and I know he had wanted to refresh the wards of the hotel. 

His hand was warm on my bare knee, and I finally let my shoulders retreat from my ears to where shoulders are actually supposed to be, and dropped my head against the wall. One hand reached out to rest against his shoulder, letting his breathe guide mine.

How was it that I could feel so at peace when a part of me had been broken?

I had told Pritkin that I loved him, and I wasn’t lying. But a part me had truly loved Mircea, too. And that part of me was bruised and bleeding.

Mircea had been the first person to ever make me feel safe. Rafe had brought me the closest thing to joy I had felt as a child, had shown me how colors and art could make things seem a little better, that the drab existence I had was not the only kind of existence. And Eugenie, strict and unflinching as she was, showed me that steel could be a way of strength, and not only to cause pain but could be a way of survival if you make it your own. She had control and determination that I could borrow to find a modicum of contentment in myself, and use her borrowed traits to keep myself going.

But the fact was, they had always been subject to Tony’s whims. Rafe had never talked about it, tried to shield me from that fact, while Eugenie would point it out constantly in all the ways, and I appreciated them both for their forms of comfort. 

With Mircea, it was different. I never forgot that after Mircea left, I was still going to be left with Tony, but while he was here, I found myself stretching the boundaries in the smallest ways: exploring just a little more confidently, bringing more little treasures of stones and lost buttons home with me, and my breath coming just a bit more easily. 

And I Mircea had been so much fun for those reasons, encouraging those little things and keeping Tony so placidly in line. He had been a fond memory when I had left, a ghost that didn’t speak but in impressions and dreams. 

When that life caught up with me again, I had actually felt some of that sense of security come back faster than it should have. His presence was enough to throw my side in with the vampires in this crazy new chapter of my life. How could I not, when he was one of the only pillars of childhood I had left in my life?

A tiny snore, barely audible, brought my attention back to the present, and I watched Pritkin sleep for several moments. Since he had awoken he hadn’t bothered putting product in his hair, and it looked so soft that my hand twitched with the urge to touch it. But I didn’t have to resist, anymore, did I? I trailed my fingers through the soft locks, letting the movements lull me back to my thoughts.

Safety and honesty had been all I had sought for so long. Funny, but I really thought Mircea had been both of those things. Too many times I had acknowledged that yes, Mircea was a seasoned liar, a ruthless negotiator…

I remember how angry I was at Tomas for his lies, and how I was furious with Pritkin each time he withheld the truth of how badly we were fucked, and when Mircea had not told me about my coronation, I honestly thought that was the biggest lie he could have given me.

Being wrong really sucks.

And still, he’s not the biggest liar in my life. I lied to myself so many more times than he ever had. 

_ But he used those lies to further his _ , my brain whispered, and I could feel myself mentally nodding. 

I scrubbed angrily at my eyes. I should be furious, and a part of me still was. 

At the end of the world, I had been with Pritkin--the one person I truly wanted to be with. I realize this, and I don’t even know that I want to ever see Mircea again. Not anytime soon. But that’s not going to happen. We are going to have to work together.

Barring his outrageous requests--vampire armies and dead wives-- we actually make a good team. Except for when he’s trying to protect me instead of help me. But he was doing so good at giving me the support I needed…

Then Pritkin was gone and my pseudo husband and I both avoided each other, and it became a battlefield instead of a relationship. And I miscalculated, I wanted him to acknowledge me as his equal and tried to play on his favored turf instead of being true to myself and standing on my own two feet. I tried to be someone I didn’t want to be just to have him see me as me.

It sounds really dumb when I put it like that, but there you go. 

I wanted that security so desperately, and I even acknowledged that some of it was necessary, but I wanted  _ him _ , the man behind the crush, the memories, wanted to get to know him, and so I accepted his spontaneous marking of me, accepted the fact that we were married instead of telling him that no, I didn’t even know him!

I trusted him more than I trusted myself, and now everything, every memory, every touch, every experience, every thought, all of it was tainted by the knowledge that from the start, he had his own agenda.

And no matter what he said, I would always wonder how much of it was real. Did he care for me? Did he love me? Did he resent me? Did he see her in me? Was I anything more than an ends to a mean?

There was no going back from this.

His lies had culminated into a shattering of my trust, and the final nail in the coffin was that he would come for Pritkin. My hand tightened in his hair, which led to his hand tightening on my knee and a questioning “hm?” from his dreaming. 

“Nothing,” I whispered, “Go back to sleep.” He gave a sleepy assent and tugged me closer before his breathing slowed again.

And really, that was the crux of it. He suspected how I felt about Pritkin before I ever let myself hint at it, and he knew how much I relied on Pritkin, and he still decided to go after him. If he hadn’t pushed it, I probably could have dealt with the lies, and the fact that he wanted this favor so badly. But he hadn’t just given me time, he purposely made a challenge. And in the vampire world, that was a huge distinction.

There was no more safety in Mircea, if ever there had been. I couldn’t just ignore him. I couldn’t work with him, now how things are now.

Stretching, I scooted down, tucking myself around Pritkin. I had gone to hell and back to keep him with me.

I wasn’t about to let an ex boyfriend with daddy issues ruin that too.


End file.
